Review: TUSK (2014) or “TIF by watching TUSK on a date!”

Review: TUSK (2014)

TUSK Review_

Hi Guys, so I was going out with my girlfriend and her parents and we were in urgent need of a light comedy because her and I´ve seen a pretty messed up horror movie (INSIDIOUS 2) before on that day so we were happy to find the new Kevin Smith Movie TUSK with Justin Long. Her Parents know that I am a writer and that I regularly watch all kinds of movies for my blog so they accompany us every now and then if a movie is light enough for all of us. TUSK sounded pretty neat and the description promised a “COMEDY” with my girlfriend´s favorite actor Johnny Depp (he´s probably everyone else´s gf too) and Justin Long. What could potentially go wrong, right? Well, A LOT!
I know the type of movie that Justin Long is known for and I was pretty optimistic that this new movie with him and Johnny Depp would be a welcome encouragement after James Wan´s INSIDIOUS 2 pretty much fucked us up for the rest of the day. INSIDIOUS 2 was one of the best horror movies I´ve seen in a while and just wanted to see the most boring and G-rated comedy that ever existed and knowing we had my gf´s parents with us, I had to find something totally harmless. So yeah, didn´t know anything beforehand, so we bought TUSK hoping for a light comedy to lighten our mood. But I can already tell you that I couldn´t have been more wrong!!! BOY, WAS THIS MOVIE SO FUCKED UP! And really, I am really not that easy to disgust, but this movie hit me like a brick wall in the frigging face.
Honestly, I also had very high hopes for some Don Juan bedroom action with my gf after the film, but after this festival of atrocities, I will probably never have sex again. Like, ever.

The story is not that complicate. Everything starts off pretty lightly with two Podcasters that have a show called the “not see party” where they speak about funny things. Justin Long travels throughout the country and visits strange people just to discuss the events with his buddy (who does not fly and hence does “not see” what´s going on during Justin Long´s Trips.
So Justin Long visits this Guy who is actually some kind of internet meme because he accidentally cut off his leg with a katana but when he arrives at this dude´s house, he is already dead. In desperate need for a replacement for his show, he reads a note on a toilet wall from someone looking for like minded people to talk about stories from his colorful life. And if you want to watch the movie, you should stop reading now because I will spoil the s*it out of you in order to save you from watching this mess. In advance I´d like to say that I´ve yet to hear a story with a positive outcome that involves someone that you´ve met because of a writing on a toilet stall and that´s the case here as well.
So Justin Long calls this old guy and agrees to meet him at his house to share a cup of tea over the many stories that he has up his sleeveand get´s roofied right away, and as soon as he wakes up, he sit´s in a friggin wheelchair because that old fart has hacked off his leg!! Now, at this point, my girlfriend’s parents started to look disgusted. But hoping it would just be some kind of plot move to get the story told, they staid. Her father had a stare in his eyes that just wouldn´t go away and her mother just started to cover her eyes. Little did we know that this was just the beginning of the myriad of creep that would soon be hitting us.

Now I´ll add some background Info on that old Guy. And please note that this is really a big spoiler: At some point in his life, he kinda got lost and ended up on a desert Island with a walrus as his only companion. And when he´s finally rescued, he couldn´t deal with the fact that he had eaten his only friend to survive. And in order to get over it mentally, he kinda abducts people to cut them apart and put them together again as a walrus. Wha wha wha whaaaat?
Now at some point during the plot, Justin Long ends up being sown together as this big Frankenstein type walrus and it just looks so disgusting that I didn´t even know what to say. That must have been the point when my girlfriend’s parents were leaving while giving me an intolerable Stare of disgust over my taste in movies, and it was probably just my own imagination, but I could have sworn her mother whispered “sicko” when they walked past me.
My girlfriend was still with me, but at this point I was seriously concerned that this movie would break our relationship. Of course that was BS and a relationship that can be shaken by a movie isn´t a healthy one to begin with, but I was really frustrated about how the evening unfolded its dirty face. In a desperate attempt to save face and still hoping to get laid somehow, I tried making out with her, but Justin Long´s contorted walrus screams in the background turned our kiss into a satirical act of desperation. And she was like “WTF? DOES THIS TURN YOU ON????” and I felt reminded about that Seinfeld Episode when they make out in the cinema during SCHINDLER`S LIST, just worse.

In a way, it also reminded me about that one time at the funeral of my aunt Judy, when I was bursting out in hysterical laughter because i suddenly remembered a very funny joke from earlier that day and just couldn´t stop laughing. But let´s save that story for another similarly graceful day!

Long Story short, the movie turned out to be some kind of torture horror festival and her parents left early. From that point, I gave up my hopes to ever have sex again (not that I would have been able to after that) and spent the rest of the film staring at the screen with a facial expression that could be translated to”WTF”! My girlfriend is still with and loves me for being exactly the sicko that I am and fell in Love with, but her parents will probably ask her to re-think our relationship because citation”someone who watches movies like that can only be mentally deranged!” What a fun evening it was! BE WARNED!

Thanks to Kevin Smith for being a giant cockblocker! 😉